It Only Hurts When I Walk . . . or Sit

It’s only appropriate that I woke up this morning in pain. As I limped my way into the bathroom and lowered myself onto a toilet seat that felt like it was six inches off the ground, I never questioned my actions from the previous night that brought me to this place. I had postponed a goal of water skiing one more time in my fifties to the eve of my sixtieth birthday, and I deserved to feel this way.

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with water skiing. I love it because it’s hard and I learned to do it. I hate it because it scares the crap out of me. However, there is a certain exhilaration in skimming across the water on a hunk of fiberglass, looking at the mountainous wake and saying out loud to myself, “no guts, no glory.” When I fall, I forget to breathe out—I breathe in and generally come up gasping and choking.

I should have known I’d have a little bit of trouble. Three pins in each of my recently repaired feet, fused joints in a couple of toes, and some extra weight made it difficult to even get the skis on, but we did—I say “we” because it was a group effort. The rope came along behind me and I said “hit it,” and I didn’t get up. I said “hit it” at least seven more times and then I heard and felt the hamstring go. I wasn’t sure if I really was hurt badly, but I knew it would be wise to quit. Did you know that cool water camouflages pain? Getting the ski off my left foot and getting back into the boat—once again a group effort.

So . . . today my butt and leg hurt. I walk like I’m sauntering, but with great concentration. I’m using the handicapped bathroom stall at work. I’ll never get out of the recliner alone. Am I upset? Heck no! I could be depressed and discouraged, but at least I tried. My dusty O’Brien ski has been washed clean in Elk Lake and it’s in the back of my car. I’m going to try to use it again . . . but not today.

Instead of feeling old, I feel adventuresome. An ice pack and some Aleve are helping me cope with the irritation. (Incidentally, the ice pack leaked on to my chair, so please don’t believe any rumors of my incontinence that I’m sure may be already out there.) This pain will either go away or will remind me that I’m actually pretty gutsy.

I’d like to propose a toast to myself on this day! Are you with me? I have so many things to celebrate! So as I enter this decade, I’m hanging on and saying, “Let’s hit it!”

The Blogs I Never Wrote

My friend Doug reminded me the other day on facebook, that it really was time to write a new blog. The last one I wrote was in February during Lent and that really is pretty pathetic. It’s not like I haven’t tried though—I started lots of them, but for some reason I couldn’t finish them. I just went through them and I have no idea where I was going and what I really wanted to say.

I found one about my youngest son and his habit of collecting stuff—Simpson guys, Pez dispensers, to name a few. I even talked about him falling asleep with the Sears Wish Book open on his chest, dreaming of the toys he wanted and sometimes talked me into buying for him. I have no idea what I was trying to say; maybe something about not getting what we wish for, or wishing for the wrong things, I don’t know. But I’m sure it would have ended with God somehow. It always does you know.

Then I started a blog about my husband. It was pretty good and I don’t know why I didn’t finish it. Probably because I didn’t want to brag—yeah let’s go with that. He did something really special for me for Valentine’s Day, but I can’t tell you because it would be bragging. But it involved text messages from lots of people telling me how much he loved me, and also photo messages from him in various places carrying a sign that said “I love you.” What kind of guy would stand in Meijer’s produce section and ask a stranger to take his picture with his little sign? My guy. I should finish that one sometime.

Then I started to write one about the song “Red Solo Cup.” A friend of mine who can’t seem to stay sober for any length of time was singing this song one day. I told her that she should think of a new favorite song that might have a better influence on her life. I’m sure that I threw out some good churchy songs and she probably felt judged. The next day I was working on memorizing Psalm 16 and when I got to the verse, “the Lord is my chosen portion and my cup,” suddenly I found myself singing “Red Solo Cup.” Oo-ooh, now there was a blog just waiting to be written: God’s cup of joy versus the world’s fake cup of happiness. I never got anywhere with that one—let’s just say that even God thought it was a bad idea. Besides, the Gaithers' had already handled that. (Quietly humming, “fill my cup Lord, I lift it up Lord . . .”)

So I stopped writing because I kept getting stuck and couldn’t figure out why. In the meantime, I’ve been working on a “Faith-walking” course that I’m taking. It’s really heavy and I have lots of homework, including a daily “spiritual workout.” I committed to a lot of reading, prayer and solitude. I’m great at reading, so-so at prayer, but I kind of suck at solitude. I’m catching on though. If I read, follow that with prayer—gotta write those prayers down though—then when I’m done, I hear Him. Sometimes when I see the way yesterday’s prayers were answered I hear Him. Sometimes when I read another devotional and take a few notes, I hear His message coming through several times in one day. And if I pay attention or, as Frederick Buechner says, “listen to your life,” I hear God all day long. And when that happens, my heart is full . . . and yes, my cup is full too.

So when my friend Doug gently chided me about not posting a blog in many months, I felt compelled to tell him why. I told him that for some reason God was telling me to stop talking for a while. The world really doesn’t need to hear what I have to say right now. I believe that getting stuck in my writing is just another way God is speaking to me. I think He wants me to listen more and speak less and I guess I’m okay with that. And do you know what my friend’s response was? He said, “Sounds like the start of a blog post right there, one I'd enjoy reading!”

So, there’s the truth as I know it today. Someday maybe I’ll tell you more about my son’s nut cracker collection or about the last crazy wonderful 37 years with Ron, heck I might write new lyrics for “Red Solo Cup” that could be sung in church. Maybe . . .

The Waffle and the Transfiguration

“This is awesome! This is amazing! I need to slow down because I just don’t want this to end!” These are not words I overheard while on some exotic vacation—no, I overheard this while eating breakfast at church a few weeks ago. Apparently the waffle with the creamy, buttery pecan sauce was beyond delicious. At the time, I laughed because my friend Linda does not normally express herself about anything with that much drama! In fact, I started teasing her that perhaps she should go home and journal about her feelings and let some of that emotion out.

So last Sunday my pastor preached a sermon about Jesus taking Peter, James and John up on the mountain where they all had a phenomenal religious experience, complete with a visit from Moses and Elijah. Pastor Chip compared Peter’s desire to stay, with our own desires to spiritually stay in those places where we felt heightened emotion and closeness to God. He even used the phrase, “it’s so good, and you never want it to end.”

All I could think about was Linda and the waffle. I wished that we could have started the sermon with Linda giving the “waffle testimony.” It would have started something like this: “So one time . . . I was eating this waffle . . . and it was so delicious . . .” She has assured me that I could never have persuaded her to do it, but every time I see her I still think about it and we laugh about the story that could have been told.

I continue to think about and be challenged by those mountaintop experiences and how they’re really not a bad thing—in fact they can be life-changing. There are those moments that come out of nowhere, catch you off-guard, bring out emotions that you didn’t even know existed, and then they’re gone with little chance of bringing them back. But are they really over?

I remember one of those moments that happened when I was in high school. Since I went to a Christian high school, you might expect that I was surrounded by people who spoke openly about deep and important things and whose priority it was to learn everything we could about God. That really wasn’t the case—we were pretty typical high school kids. But, we did have to go to chapel twice a week (where we didn’t always behave well).

On one particular day we had an “exchange chapel” from another Christian school and heard some students tell us their own stories of faith. I don’t even remember those students—their stories don’t stand out in my mind, but when the opportunity was given for us to share, I do remember the first person from my school that went to the microphone and it changed everything. Something happened in the gym that day that no one could explain. Other students came forward, stories were told, guitars appeared and spontaneous, praying, crying and singing erupted. Suddenly we were able to share from our hearts our struggles and our joys. It was emotional.

Our teachers and principal were smart that day. They cancelled class and let us stay on the mountain for a while. It was a day that most of us have not forgotten. When we came down that afternoon and went home, reality hit as it always does. Some parents questioned the sincerity of such an emotionally charged event. Other wonderful adults helped us set up an evening event where we sang and studied the Bible. The group was large at first and then slowly shrunk down to a faithful few.

It wasn’t long before that mountaintop became a distant memory. We could never recapture it even if we wanted to. But as I look back, it was the well-timed event that sent me off in the right direction. I joined my church, signed up for a mission trip, and continued to spend time with friends that I knew would encourage me to follow Jesus. It’s the defining moment of my faith—when I publically claimed what I had privately believed. And my guess is that I’m not the only one. Forty-some years later, I’m pretty sure that the “exchange chapel revival” is also the defining moment for many of my classmates.

We can’t stay on the mountain, but we can’t downplay the importance of those times. Jesus knew what his disciples were facing in the near future. He knew they needed that moment. He knew what my high school classmates and I would be facing in the future and that we would need our moment too. And as for my friend Linda . . . I think He just wanted her to enjoy that really good waffle.

Jesus, Bev and Ralph Lauren

It was one of those “surprise” snowstorm kind of days—you know, the kind where the snow comes down in huge flakes and builds up like heavy cement on the ground? We had cancelled all activities at the church and I was alone in my office when I heard their voices. I immediately wished that I had already left for the day, or at best had locked up so that I didn’t have to deal with folks who still thought we had our normal Wednesday night activities. I curiously I went into the hallway to see who had braved the winter evening and there stood a couple that I had met while working at our church’s breakfast club last Friday morning. We had given them a coupon for a free dinner during our all-church Wednesday evening activities.
They were smiling, happy and delighted to be inside the warm building, even though the sign on the door and the empty parking lot told them there would be no meal served. Apparently the county transit bus has rules that people may not have a round trip ride without getting off the bus once, so the driver had insisted that they needed to get off and they would be picked up “later.” (Question to self: Do I wish to let the county know that this makes no sense?) I’m sure they have their rules for a reason, but I was immediately relieved that I had left the building unlocked.
We had to call the county back and let them know that a “pick-up” was necessary and they told us they’d be back in thirty to forty minutes—say what? Oh well, I realized that I was going to stay a little while longer. The couple was unperturbed.
Let me just say now, that one of our wonderful kitchen women had already started on the Wednesday night meal and, when we decided to cancel, she graciously finished her task and divided it amongst staff people who were delighted to take shepherd’s pie and salad home. I had my own stash in the refrigerator.
As I visited with the gentleman, I learned facts that turned them from strangers into Jesus himself. While the woman tried on all of the clothes that were hanging in the lost and found to see if anything fit, the gentleman told me about their living situation in a camper where they had no running water. An electric heater and frying pan were their luxuries. I know exactly where they live and it broke my heart. He also told me that he normally earns enough money in the fall to make it through the winter, but he had been hospitalized with spinal meningitis and had been unable to work at all. He was grateful to have a place to live and that his landlord allowed them to keep their dog.
Okay, so here’s the part where I gave them my meal. Can you believe I was still a little sad to give it up? Come on, Bev’s shepherd’s pie is pretty sweet and I could already taste the spinach salad! Ironically my pastor and I had just been talking about the Fruits of the Spirit and I mentioned that self-control was probably the most difficult for me—I even mentioned food. Dang—I hate when that happens!
So my meal was gone and I was starting to be okay with it. The woman, who had been wandering around the church made her way into the choir room and began to play the piano—no song or anything, just messing around with scales. Suddenly it dawned on me that I had left a pair of jeans in there for one of the choir members to fix for me. I envisioned her coming out with them in her hand, or even wearing them and telling me how badly she needed them. Come on God, not my best jeans! They're Ralph Lauren's from Macy’s and they weren’t even on sale! Thankfully, she didn’t ask, but I’ll never put them on without thinking about her.
After more conversation, a little bit of snow-shoveling from the woman who couldn’t sit still, and a total heart re-adjustment for me, the bus arrived. I went home a different person. I ate cheese and crackers and left-over pork loin for dinner. It was delicious and I was grateful!